I’ve been traveling a lot lately. It’s a few hours upstate, it’s contiguously far East, or it’s back on the West side. As long as it’s anywhere but my “home for now”.
It’s been an amazing experience, and for it I’m incredibly thankful.
However, I’d be lying if I said it was all for fun.
I haven’t been traveling to get away from Corpus Christi; I’ve been traveling to get away from myself, and up until last weekend it had been working really well.
To say I wasn’t prepared for what I’d learn when I stayed home would have been the understatement of the century; everything I’ve put off in my mind, every anxious thought, every fear, every insecurity would catch up with me all at once. In the way you’d imagine a freight train embracing an obstruction in it’s tracks, that was my mind.
It only takes a moment in the quiet and BOOM.
I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of insurmountable uncertainty. I’m nervous that this whole Navy thing isn’t going to get any better. So far it hasn’t been the best. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for the healthcare, the discounts, and benefits, but that’s about it. It’s been second choices, compromise, and disappointment. It’s been good people but they leave, and move on. It’s been bad people too, but they don’t seem to go anywhere. I love Andrew, more than I can accurately articulate, but that doesn’t mean I love what being married to a military man means.
Andrew used to feel undeserving when people thanked him for his service. I have to admit, I felt the same way when they thanked me too. We would laugh sometimes, and wonder what we had done to really be thanked for. He hadn’t been deployed overseas, or in danger, so what were they thanking him for? I wasn’t the service member, what were they thanking ME for? I’ve recently realized something. Not that we deserve the gratitude, but that we can accept it. Sure, neither of us have done any of the latter that might traditionally merit a thank you, but we’ve put up with a lot. For him: crazy early mornings, disorganization, no say in aircraft, place to live, or their latest, time with family. For me: struggle with career choices, long distance, lack of purpose, and no say in where I call home.
It’s been one thing after another from the beginning, but lately it’s been completely discouraging for both of us.
If you’re a praying person, they would be wholeheartedly welcomed.