I’m jealous.

I’ll admit it, I’m extremely jealous, but not in the traditional way. This has nothing to do with a lack of trust, insecurity, or anxiety. I’m jealous that the majority of my friends will never have to say goodbye to their spouses for more than a weekend. I’m jealous that their husbands aren’t property of the US government. I’m jealous that for the first 10 years of my marriage, Andrew and I will have little to no control of where we live, or for how long. I’m jealous that even though I “did things the right way” I will spend many nights alone in my bed, and most likely as a single mom for 6-8 months at a time during deployments. I’m jealous about all of that.

Truth be told, I don’t have anything
positive to say about all of this right now. I’m trying to be strong, and I’m trying to be positive, but right now I can’t be, and I think that’s okay. I’m not going to negate these feelings because they’re not chipper, positive and optimistic. I feel like this, and that’s alright. I won’t apologize for it.

I have the most amazing love I could ask for, and I can’t even reach out and touch it right now. But who’s fault is that? Mine. Andrew and I made the decision for me to stay in Texas together, but I feel so guilty about it. This balancing act to pursue my dreams and be with the man of my dreams is heart wrenching, confusing, and has no clear point of defined fruition. There are days I wish I could be satisfied sitting at home, cleaning, preparing dinner, and taking care of the kids. But I just can’t. That’s not who I am and it’s not fulfilling to me. At least, not at this point in my life right now.

This Navy life is a tough life, and this isn’t going to be easy. It asks for much, returns some, and promises uncertainty. Much of my youth and my early marriage will be spent counting the days before I see Andrew again, yearning to see the man I promised my life to.

I feel like I’m being pulled in a thousand different directions. My heart is in one place, my mind in another. I’m increasingly unaware of whether or not I’ve done the right or wrong thing staying here, as I’m simply too fixated on wishing time will pass.

Time to pray. – Time, please fly by the way you did during summer vacation during my adolescence. If you pass like that, February will come faster than a jackrabbit leaping across a field in Texas. (<–Get me out of here!)IMG_2511.JPG

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A mediocre whirlwind

As Andrew and I come to the fruition of our first year of marriage, the word “whirlwind” comes to mind. Everything about us and this first year has been a whirlwind of change, discovery, love and confusion. With touches of stress and joy and everything in between.

Conveniently, the name of the street of our first house was whirlwind, and it couldn’t have possibly been better planned.
With our anniversary tomorrow, it got me thinking about what 366 days ago looked like. Everything went as planned, the guests had a great time (at least I hope) and I married an amazing man. But looking back, our wedding day was the most mediocre day of our marriage. Just stick with me here. Yes, that was easily one of the best, most fun days of my life and there’s no arguing that!
However, if it were the best day of my marriage, then: “Houston we have a problem”! (I’m currently flying over Houston so the phrase makes sense to me right now haha) Let me explain. Andrew and I have grown so much as individuals and in our marriage that where we were as a wedded couple on our big day just seems lame! Your wedding day, ideally needs to be the best day of your life but the worst day of your marriage. If your wedding day is the best part of your marriage, looks like it’s only going downhill from there. See, I’m not crazy, it makes sense now, doesn’t it?
I hope that when we look back another year from tomorrow we think that where we were a year ago was mediocre! The plan is to keep getting better and better at this whole marriage thing, and to make every year prior pail in comparison to the present.

Right now I’m on a Southwest jet to Pensacola to celebrate another year of whirlwind proportions. See you soon sweetheart.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

10/04 over and out.
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