I’ll admit it, I’m extremely jealous, but not in the traditional way. This has nothing to do with a lack of trust, insecurity, or anxiety. I’m jealous that the majority of my friends will never have to say goodbye to their spouses for more than a weekend. I’m jealous that their husbands aren’t property of the US government. I’m jealous that for the first 10 years of my marriage, Andrew and I will have little to no control of where we live, or for how long. I’m jealous that even though I “did things the right way” I will spend many nights alone in my bed, and most likely as a single mom for 6-8 months at a time during deployments. I’m jealous about all of that.
Truth be told, I don’t have anything
positive to say about all of this right now. I’m trying to be strong, and I’m trying to be positive, but right now I can’t be, and I think that’s okay. I’m not going to negate these feelings because they’re not chipper, positive and optimistic. I feel like this, and that’s alright. I won’t apologize for it.
I have the most amazing love I could ask for, and I can’t even reach out and touch it right now. But who’s fault is that? Mine. Andrew and I made the decision for me to stay in Texas together, but I feel so guilty about it. This balancing act to pursue my dreams and be with the man of my dreams is heart wrenching, confusing, and has no clear point of defined fruition. There are days I wish I could be satisfied sitting at home, cleaning, preparing dinner, and taking care of the kids. But I just can’t. That’s not who I am and it’s not fulfilling to me. At least, not at this point in my life right now.
This Navy life is a tough life, and this isn’t going to be easy. It asks for much, returns some, and promises uncertainty. Much of my youth and my early marriage will be spent counting the days before I see Andrew again, yearning to see the man I promised my life to.
I feel like I’m being pulled in a thousand different directions. My heart is in one place, my mind in another. I’m increasingly unaware of whether or not I’ve done the right or wrong thing staying here, as I’m simply too fixated on wishing time will pass.
Time to pray. – Time, please fly by the way you did during summer vacation during my adolescence. If you pass like that, February will come faster than a jackrabbit leaping across a field in Texas. (<–Get me out of here!)